Thursday

February 20

    Today was a rough day, which was sad because it had been a great week of church activities, family visits, and Cathy and me time. 

    The only issue during the week is that we still hadn't heard from the doctor about the PET scan or brain MRI getting approved by insurance. I checked in a couple of times, but no answers. I prayed every day for the approval to come through, but it never did.  I also gave the situation completely to God and told Him I trusted that whatever happened it was for the good. 

    That leads us to today. I was supposed to hear by 3:00 PM what time they wanted me to check in tomorrow. When I hadn't heard anything by 3:30, I called the scheduler for information.  During the call we asked her if the doctor still wanted to do the surgery if the scans hadn't been performed yet. She checked and confirmed what we were afraid of, the doctor wanted the scans and didn't want to perform the surgery without them. 

    We aren't sure were the glitch occurred.  Somehow the word never got to the appropriate people that if the PET scans weren't approved, they should have been switched over to CT scans and done before the surgery. The surgery has now been rescheduled for Wednesday, February 26th. Hopefully someone will call me tomorrow to schedule the needed scans before the surgery this time. 

    I can't help but wonder if I should have been more proactive and called on a regular basis about the scans and other options, but if I had, would that have been showing a lack of faith because I had turned it over to God. Where is the balance between complete trust and faith in God plan for your life and taking responsibility into your own hands.  I am completely comfortable with my actions, but that doesn't mean there aren't questions. 

    The doctor wants me to have dye injected into my lymph node system to highlight where they are. That would have been done 3 hours before the surgery as scheduled for tomorrow.  Now I will have to go to the hospital on Tuesday afternoon and have the dye in my system overnight.  I'm going to the nuclear medicine center for the injection and it's a radioactive dye so I've been teasing Cathy I might be glowing in the dark while she tries to sleep. 

    I still have full confidence in my doctor and the hospital, and God.  We are not happy about the glitch and postponement, but these things happen.  It's not easy though, and we have been taking deep breaths and long walks. We went to our Fellowship Group tonight knowing that being around our friends would help us deal with the situation.  It is such a blessing and gift to be surrounded by believers who love and care for you and lift you up in prayer.  

    I was sharing with Cathy that the hardest part of this right now is just not knowing how each possibility will play out.  How does the radiation schedule work and does it hurt?  How will it affect me, especially my colitis?  How will my body react if we have to do the immunotherapy? Will I have the same side effects of people undergoing other forms of chemotherapy of is this different? If the cancer starts to affect different body parts, how will that feel, what will the effects be?  

    This morning was very foggy.  I couldn't help thinking it was a perfect metaphor for where I am right now.  When you are driving in the fog you know where you are, you know where you are going, but you can't see much of anything between where you are and where you are going.  I know where I am right now, a merkel cell cancer patient.  I know where I'm going, someday.  Like it says on my license plate holder and license plate...  Someday I'll be DUNNGON to heaven. Of that I have no doubt. I am a child of God, a repentant sinner, and a Christian, saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and following His word every day.  What I don't know is what the rest of the journey looks like. Like driving in the fog, I know the landmarks that are around me, whether I see them or not, which are going to get me through the journey.  In this life I know the wonderful wife I have, the amazing family I have and married into, the great friends who journey with me, and the excellent church we attend which trains and teaches us Biblical truths.  

    For now, the main thing is to stay focused on where I am.  I remember a section of "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis where the demon Screwtape tells Wormwood, his protege, that the best thing to do is to keep humans focused on the future, not on the present. The present is the most connected to eternity while the future is the farthest from eternity. If we are too focused on the future, we aren't paying attention to what God is doing right before our eyes. 

    Matthew 6:34

        Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

    This reminded me about a song that fits this theme, Matthew West, The Future Looks Good.  The chorus starts, "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future."

    Prayers are always appreciated!!